Hi, my name is Chloe. Fun fact about me? I have technically died once. And this is my story.
“Let’s turn to page 136,” my professor announced. Sitting at the back of the classroom, I apathetically observed the other students around me. Some flipped their textbooks eagerly, some didn’t care. A rush of disappointment swept over me. Here it goes again. I wanted to be a CSE major, but I was rejected and ended up in this major instead.
I have always dreamed to be special. I have always dreamed to be successful. Oh, the thrill of becoming one of the wealthiest human beings on earth. But people slowly destroyed those dreams of mine. Shattering my self-esteem to practically non-existent.
“You used to be my favorite girl, but not anymore.”
“You are not cut out for this.”
Am I ever going to be good enough for anyone? On the outside, those words didn’t matter. Life goes on, just keep trying, but deep inside, it hurt deeply and it’s hard not to be affected. The tongue certainly could bring death or life (Proverbs 18:21). I could not help feeling insignificant, like an old piece of junk. There was no compliment powerful enough to convince me otherwise. If I could dump all my feelings into buckets, the “I’m not qualified” and “I’m such a failure” buckets would had been overflowed.
So I decided to commit suicide and died. The end.
Nah. Just kidding.
I thought I would never make any real friends before, but by the grace of God some church friends decided to stay by my side, slowly resuscitating my hope for life and friendship. I encountered the love of Christ and began to see people differently, yet the doubt lingered: Am I any good? Who am I?
Personality tests. Which Frozen Character Am I? Myers Briggs test? Color test? Checked.
Ask friends, Mom and Dad what am I called to be? Checked.
Google “Am I Fat?” Checked.
Take, “What Am I Passionate About” quiz? Checked.
I am Elsa, a Melancholy, and passionate in doing social work. so what now?
One day this question dawned on me: Isn’t it ironic? All the attempts to find who I really am always start from the outside, by questioning others.
Instead of looking out, how about looking in?
It was a revelation.
The Word of God tells me that I am more than a conqueror, a masterpiece, a precious daughter, His beloved, a new creation. But the Word of God not only tells me who I am, the Word of God is within me. He is inside of me. He is living in me.
Paul wrote, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20 ESV).
All this time, God is inside of me. He isn’t that wise, kind man observing from the outside who tells me good things about myself. He is a just God who is always with me, in me, and alive.
He witnessed my hatred and anger first hand and still said, “You are my beloved.”
He witnessed my shameful, dark desires and still said, “You are forgiven.”
How can I not believe in what God says about me?
He is the Creator of men, the One who gave authority for mankind to rule the earth. He is the Author of Life, yet He came down to the very earth He created to live like human and redeemed us. He is the King of Kings, but He chose to dwell in me, the lowest of all.
Have you ever brushed off that small, nearly inaudible voice whispering from the inside how beautiful and precious you really are? That is the voice of God. If you had, don’t brush it away anymore. If you haven’t, try to listen. Because our identity is found in Him alone.